How to control the ‘lost’ kids….
This theory is applicable for children aged till 13.
Nowadays it is embarrassing for a lot of parents whom I see around, often putting their heads down and quietly meeting the faculty of the school after the school is over for their child’s unaccepted behaviour for which they have been called for. The teachers who are trying extremely hard to control the children’s behaviour have often disclosed it to me, it is the parents who are responsible for this behaviour of their child outside HOME. This one sentence, “parents have spoilt the child” stuck to me and I began to examine some cases. I father of two, too, wanted some answers as to why these children behave in a certain way. Now after gathering a lot of reports & talks with child psychologists and talking to many parents of such ‘mischievous’ children I’m able to write this down and break the myth, as to what to do? Why are our children behaving rude, crude, often very violent, or even overpowering their fellow mates?
The biggest reason, which you will agree, by the end, is that of missing of the ‘fear-factor’ in them. Now tell me parents in all honesty, doesn’t stubbornness of your child at times makes us want to slap them? But we don’t right? Then what does stop us? Now go back when you were about 5 years old. Remember our growing up years. We have been caned by our parent (s) whenever we went wrong or jumped out of a discipline box drawn which only we knew. In a way, we developed a fear for our one parent, be it mother or the father, and every time we crossed our limits whilst growing up, that one parent card was often used by all our family members to scare the daylights out of us. I was similarity scared of my father this way. The fear was such that even the mention of calling my father to school if I misbehaved, sent chills down my spine. Does your child have that fear, common accept it, you have bought your child up the way a prince or princess have been, showered them with all the possible ‘materialistic’ love, but where is the fear, my dear? You have never scolded, never slapped on their gravest mistake they did thinking they were kids & now when they are really young, you are finding psychologists to treat them . Not done! Similarly take the instance of a simple dinner… you have a son/daughter who does not eat food without having your phone in his/her hand, & at any cost you have to give in to their demands, as they are such stubborn characters-believe me they will not eat till you bow down. So go on, it’s not late, with this-don’t just start whacking the child, but install that fear of any one parent in the child’s brain…and let the second parent be the loving one or the protector else whom will the child open up to if both of you remain strict?
Next most important aspect which I found out, was dependance of parents on their nanny/servants for everything of their child. In a metropolitan where in majority of the parents are a working couple, this dependance is absolutely necessary. But in the higher middle class when I see that the mother is a home-maker and is often seen at zumba class or at lunches, they yet are dependent on their servants to ferry the child to & fro from the school and ten thousand other classes, my heart melts. Do whatever you want to, you are an adult, but nothing should come in the way when it comes to your own child. Do the pick ups, get up early & prepare that Breakfast/Lunch for them, don’t be dependant on outside food…Make that sacrifice parents, it really counts… Stop your dependance on these servants & work towards your child. I know there is a personal life too, but hey folks, remember your child was born out of your consent & not on dependance of servants availability! And all hell breaks loose, when the servants quits or goes to the village for 15 days.
Third, the most important factor of what I’m observing is–stop drinking, smoking, and partying in front of your children. Howsoever small these lads & girls are, they pick up everything. It is you who get surprised when your toddler says cheers in front of grandparents or holds a straw and blows air from it, as if smoking, at family get togethers.
Some listings I have noted, see if it appeals your minds…
- It is important for you as a parent to show respect to your own parents who are the child’s grandparents. Many times we just take our own parents for granted & treat them a piece of shit. Remember , your child is watching. He /She will not be wrong if they are rude to us once they grow up.
- Let the age old traditions like oiling the lamp in the evening, reading prayer book or even listening to bhajans or a Hanuman Chalisa/Quran /Bible recites which happened every evening when we were kids, continue…It is no harm to be God fearing.
- Never ever show your passbook or riches to your child. Roam in a Merc, but tell the child, it belongs to the grandfather. Believe me, this is not the age to show your child how powerful or rich you are! While you have the fanciest vacation abroad every year, do take them for some down-to-earth trips too during Diwali or Christmas. Your native place can be ideal.
- Spend less time on the screen at-least when the kids are awake or in front of you. Believe me, it works. They too shall start developing ‘family bonding time’ syndrome.
- Don’t fight with your spouse in front of the child.
- Don’t abuse anyone (rickshaw driver/bus drivers) in front of the child.
- Avoid talking bad about anyone especially when it is ‘bitching’. Your child finds it OK to speak behind the back, a worst quality. In fact teach them, what is called confronting…
- Refrain from partying when they are awake and at the mercy of grandparents or servants to put them to sleep.
- Let them be god-fearing and one-parent fearing. If they don’t fear believe me once they approach teen age, it will be a nightmare for you. Make them understand the importance of listening when elders speak and not to argue.
- If you watch porn, make sure your phone does not reach your child’s hand. Make sure you delete all those photos and videos as your child knows your phone password..
- At the same time , be communicative rather, at times pull their legs on their crushes at school, this in a way will help you to know what is going on at what time.
- Sleep overs –I have my reservations but yet leave it to you. You are the better judge.
- Never shout at the servants. In fact tell them how hard these people work. Money does not come easy. Bring “Gratitude” in them. Make them understand, that everyone should be respected & thanked all the time.
- Be a devotee parent. Devote time to them. It won’t matter if you miss one Friday night partying to spend and catch up on a movie with your child.
- We all know how rich & resourceful you are, but again & again don’t brag about it in front of your child. It will teach them that to put someone lower than us down, is OK.
At the end it is all about Continuity. Putting efforts is our duty as a parent, but imbibing correctness & truthfulness is too required and am sure your child will be your ‘dream cum true’!!
Vikrant Hemant Joshi